One of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn as a woman, and as a general introvert, is to not absorb. This means don’t take on other people’s negative energy; don’t give in to other people’s pressure; don’t absorb hyper-masculine advances or shrug them off with a smile; don’t absorb a bosses’ complaints if they’re not founded; don’t absorb an employee’s anxiety. There are so many ways we tend to let other people’s energy, criticism, or demands settle into our psyches and this leads to us being unsure, questioning ourselves or our decisions, being overly compliant, saying yes too often, not holding others accountable, and stretching ourselves too thin. 

When I was a teenager, I passed a man on the street who said to me loudly, “Give us a smile!” That it was harassment didn’t escape me, but at that young age, I didn’t have the courage or the tools to handle it in a strong way. Instead, being shy and surprised that someone would have the audacity to ask this at all but not sure what would happen if I reacted appropriately, I was startled. Instead of ignoring him or telling him to fuck off, I gave him a weak smile. I absorbed his poor behavior without confrontation. I allowed it to happen. 

Women experience this all the time and have for centuries. In the business environment, it can be particularly pressuring to smile, nod, accept, confirm, conform, give in, deflect, help, or laugh it off. We are encouraged to let others take credit for what we do, to let men speak louder, to let men make the rules, to let others overstep us, overtalk us, overdo us. Women will often take on responsibilities and complete tasks because others display discomfort or laziness about the job. We’ve been shown visible markers for centuries of men in the office, men in the boardroom, men in the study, men publishing their papers and research, men teaching the classes, men winning the prizes. 

Women in Leadership: It’s Not Equitable

Despite some advances, men still control most boardrooms on the planet.  According to a Deloitte study, only 8.4% of the world’s boards are chaired by women, and globally, the percentage of women chairing boards is nearly three times lower than the percentage of women who serve on boards. When it comes to the highest executive roles, women’s representation drops even further. Only 6% of CEOs in the world are women. And in 13 of the geographies in their sample, the number of women CEOs is less than 3%. At the current rate of change, Deloitte says global parity for CEOs won’t be reached until 2111—almost 90 years from now. 

Very slowly, this is starting to shift. There are well-known examples and role models such as Michelle Obama, Indra Noodri, Greta Thunburg, and Malala Yousafzai, who overcame heartbreaking, significant and violent challenges to her health and life. There are others who may be less globally known but are inspiring examples of women CEOs leading and advocating for change: Allison Robinson, Founder of The Mom Project, Founder and CEO Beatrice Dixon of The Honey Pot (feminine care products), and Melanie Perkins, co-Founder of Canva.

I believe it is important to share these role models with our sons and daughters so they visibly see women in leadership and power roles, and so they hear women’s names on news programs about board chairs of major corporations. So that people wearing women’s clothing such as dresses and jewelry are automatically considered worthy candidates for political office and top company leadership (rather than seen as administrators, program directors, or secretaries). So that there is no question in anyone’s mind that a person, regardless of gender, is qualified for the job.

Absorbing for the Sake of the Team

Absorbing doesn’t only happen when you’re facing outsiders or strangers. It’s very common when you’re leading a team and colleagues or subordinates report to you. When you’re the boss, it can feel pressuring to be overly kind or accommodating or helpful to an anxious employee so that you don’t ruin their day or keep them from doing their job. There are instances where this is a valid and human response to a crisis or an acute situation, and there are instances (when the recurring behavior becomes habit or problematic) where you need to put your foot down and guide the employee on the correct path. Instead of absorbing poor behavior, you as leader must identify the behavior clearly so the employee is aware of it and then you must help redirect them. 

Colleagues may pressure you in situations where public or professional acknowledgment is at stake. Even today, I hear friends report that their female colleague’s work has been usurped by a male colleague who put his name on her work. Or when male professors or athletic trainers use their position to sexually harass or pressure women students or athletes. Growing up in a “good ole boy” culture, I was often taught that girls and women were simply expected to put up with it and that arguing or challenging it could lead to trouble.

But absorbing legitimizes the poor behavior even when that’s not what we intend. If we absorb to keep ourselves safe, or to keep our career on track, it often has the negative consequence of implying that we consent. That we approve. That we don’t mind. That the perpetrator was right all along. This puts individual women back many steps and it also negates hard-won wins by women throughout history.

5 Ways to Respond Without Absorbing

Don’t absorb when it doesn’t meet your needs. Instead, align yourself with your values and strengths. Use these to direct your own responses and decisions in the strongest way possible. Here are 5 ways to respond to tough situations without absorbing or becoming a sponge:

1. Label it. Identify the behavior and share this information with the person. It’s not mimicking or copying; instead, it’s putting a label on it and showing it to the person. For instance, when a man on the sidewalk asks you to give him a smile, respond with, “You’re asking a woman you don’t know to smile for you. Would you do that to a man?” 
2. Redirect. When an employee fails to complete an assignment due to ongoing or chronic complaints of anxiety, respond with, “Lisa, I understand you’re feeling anxiety about this, but it’s time to work through these feelings to overcome them so you can do your job. What specific skills or activities would help you overcome this feeling so you can meet your deadline?”
3. Clarify. When a colleague,  fellow executive or board member dismisses your idea or deflates your project, clarify what’s happening to him and to the rest of the team. “I just want to be clear that James is expressing his opinions about my idea or this project, and that I do not agree with him for these specific reasons: 1) reason 1 and 2) reason 2. I trust that now that James has expressed himself we can move forward in the direction that is best for the company.”
4. Own. There’s a reason Oprah Winfrey named her company what she did. Her network OWNs her brand and her beliefs, providing her the platform she needed to share her work. Own your work and your ideas. Be clear and vocal about what you’ve created. Be upfront and unapologetic for your contributions. In your performance review, be specific about your accomplishments and also about your behavior, “I’ve spent the past 12 months cleaning up and repairing xxx. My contributions include developing Project A and coming in under budget and within the deadline. I’ve been present at every juncture and more than that, I’ve trained and led 8 team members with authenticity and strength.”
5. Role play and practice ahead of time. I, myself, tend to feel surprised at instances where someone usurps my idea or dismisses my contribution, and I’m often not ready or prepared to deal with them when they happen. I’ve found that preparing through role-play or speaking out loud to myself can help me be ready for the proper dialogue when the time comes. Enlist a friend or colleague to practice a conversation where you must defend yourself so that you feel prepared with words and tone should someone’s bad behavior surprise you.

It’s very possible to be direct and firm without appearing at a loss, and especially without absorbing what you shouldn’t. Practice it yourself and share these tips with other girls and women so they feel prepared and ready when they are required to stand up for themselves.